I want to be with those that I can't be with

Why is it that I'm lonely, and yet I can't stand people?

It's the classic way to solve loneliness. You go out, do something, talk to people, laugh and have fun. Yet more and more, I can't stand company. I feel all sorts of negativity around me, whether it's all in my head or maybe there is some weird truth to it, but I feel that being with other people is such an intrusion. I don't want to be with those around me, and I can't seem to find those that I want to be with.

I'm never where I want to be, and when I am where I thought I wanted to be, it never lives up to my expectations. I feel like I have to get out of my head, but I can't seem to find the right company that makes me feel like I can do just that. I feel that everyone has an ulterior motive, and I can't or don't want to give in cos if I do that, then I'm just not me, I would feel sick to my stomach and it all ends badly, at least for me.

I'm at a loss as to what I'm suppose to do with myself. I don't like me very much, and I don't like other people too apparently. So, now what? Will someone, anyone ever going to like me for my own messed up self? Is it really that important to be liked and appreciated, and to be treated with respect with all the understanding that everything's going to be okay? The answer I guess, is yes. I just realised that what's wrong with me is that I used to answer it as no, cos as long as you got yourself it's all good. You don't need other people to appreciate you as long as you appreciate yourself, kinda thing.

But that's just torture. No person is an island. So when you're used to be without that appreciation and then you realise it just doesn't cut it anymore, you're just screwed. It's not going to okay, you messed up. You fucked up. There's no going back. You'll be alone, if not forever, then a really long time.

I'm going to be alone for a very long time.