I still like the balding football coach and most mad scientists

Remember when you were a kid, and you had all these dreams about things you would do do, people you would meet, the popstar you wanted to marry. I had those, and some of them were crazy. It didn't fit in anywhere in my life, but somehow, inside my head it was logical, possible and will absolutely come true... if only things work out the way they should.

20 years later, I still have them.

Only these days, I dream about about I want to fall in love with. Mostly about people I want to fall in love with, and the things I'll do with these people that I'm in love with, and they who are desperately in love with me. It's the easiest way to escape reality. I haven't fallen for anyone in a while, and the last I did, it was wrong and it ended horribly wrong. I don't want to be seen as desperate and pathetic, so I figured, it's only inside my head. I can be with anyone I like, wherever I want to be, and things will most definitely work themselves out to my liking. It is my fantasy after all.

It's a bit sad I suppose. And I guess cos I was too busy playing like I was in love inside my head I won't see the people I'm suppose to fall in love with that's right in front of me. After all, your fantasy man is better than any man. But maybe not. I was in love once, and he zapped me right out of any fantasy I might had before, cos it was better with him.

But that was a long time ago. Destiny comes to those who seek it, and fate is for those that don't, so I read. I I am Team Fate. So come Team Destiny, come find me!

I like mad scientists and balding football coaches

I wish they wouldn't kill people so easily in movies and tv. I saw Star Trek again last weekend, and I felt sorry for all the people in the ships that got blown off at the start of the movie. Wasn't that green skinned girl Kirk was making out with, in one of those vessels? So he's off doing his thing, and she's dead, along with hundreds others that Kirk went to school with. Can you imagine if half of the people you went to school with got wiped out like that?

And now I'm watching Fringe. At least I am safe in the knowledge that none of the main characters are going to die. That's what internet gossip sites are for, they tell you who's in what, and for how much longer, depending on whether the show will be picked up for the next season. The cast list at the start of the show is good for this also. But it's really those scenes at the beginning of the show, that makes me go "oh please, I hope you don't die..." and then they did.

I'm covering my eyes and looking away from the sceen until the usual casts come along. Thanks.

Oh look, they killed someone off at the middle of the show.

Checking for frogs

Isn't it lovely when everything is in order? All the things you love dear stacked and lined up just as they should? These are just shoes, things I put on my feet to stop it from hurting when I walk. And I think I have more of those lying around somewhere. Nevertheless I'd still be devastated if I lost any them.

From left to right: black Nose ballet flats, green S19 velcro sneakers, black with colourful polkadots Puma lace up sneakers (with kinda weird lace holes), striped black and red PrettyFit flats, red Vincci heels, sparkly blue Topshop maryjanes, black pointed Nose heels and black Vincci heels. I think they're all really cute. Cos if they weren't I wouldn't buy them.

But why did I just list them all down? It's not like they're posh brands or anything.

I used to put them all in my car, so that I don't have to decide what shoes to put on until I get out. I have a pair of driving shoes, but I don't wear it outside the car if I can help it. And I'm still worried that frogs might spend the night in my shoes. When I was a kid I think I squashed a poor frog that was sleeping in my shoes. These days, before I put my sneakers on, I alway check them for frogs. Or I make sure that I keep it inside the house, where there are (hopefully) no frogs hopping around.

Summer Blocking Bustering!

I live in Malaysia, so it's pretty much summer all year round and I don't know about other people, but I can't tell what month it is by what the weather is like outside. The exception to this, is the summer blockbuster season, with the huge promotion posters on every highway. Oh yeah, happy times I tell you. All the mind-numbing action packed zombie inducing movies that you can just watch and not think about anything except what's on that huge screen. Unless if you unfortunately went to a cinema with crappy seating plans and ended up sitting behind a really tall guy.

But that's not the movie's fault.

Anyway, it's almost June and to be honest, I don't even know what month summer is suppose to start. But so far, I've seen five "summer blockbusters", and I like them all. Two of them was for free, and thank God those movies weren't crappy cos for some reason, the free tickets that I got before are all for movies that ended up being crappy. So to list my big screen summer adventures:

1. Monsters vs Aliens
This was for free, I saw it last week and it was in 3D. I also wore glasses so I was a double dork that night. I find the whole 3D effect to be quite amazing actually, and considering that it was my first 3D movie, it was a good first experience. The story itself was funny and it's got that wholesome-ness factor to it, cos after all it is a kids movie. To be honest I don't think I'll be that nice to the people who insisted on locking me up for something that I can't do anything about. I get the feeling if Ginormica was some suspect from Law and Order she'd be all, "I want a lawyer! You can't keep me here! I'm an American! I have rights! Give me my one phone call you sons of bitches!

2. Wolverine.
Aah, bulging, as Perez Hilton would say it. The bulge wasn't that obvious although you do get to see Hugh Jackman's ass as he tries to escape after getting that adamantium injection. Shiny. I don't read X-Men comic books or watch the cartoons, so I can't comment on that. I can however comment on Professor X who showed up right at the end, cos if that was Patrick Stewart, dude what happened to your eyes? It looked sooo weird. Are you on botox? Urgh, why?!

3. Angels and Demons.

I saw this on 2D, which was strange at first cos aren't all movies in 2D? What it was, is a more crisp and sharper movie and I was quite amazed at it. No need for glasses, just Ewan McGregor's blue eyes. I adore Ewan ever since the Long Way Down series. And when I thought he was going to sacrifice himself on the chopper I was heartbroken. Then he turned up to be the bad guy. I did not know that, cos I didn't read the book. I just know that things aren't what they seemed, and it was pretty stressful trying to keep up with the good guys who then turned up to be bad guys, the good guys who appeared to be bad guys, but are really good guys, and the bad guy who turned up to be a mercenary so good riddance that he got blown up!

4. Star Trek
I'm quite a Star Trek fan I must admit, not enough to be a Trekkie or Trekker, whatever that's suppose to mean, but enough to know what's going on. I watched Enterprise quite a bit, and there's Deep Space Nine, which I saw a little, and Voyager, which I liked the most. I don't think I ever watched the original Star Trek that was showing back in the sixties. I'm a bit young for that, and I have better things to do that to run around looking for it.

Anyway, I absolutely loved the movie and I'm already planning to watch it for a second time. I kinda wish there's a Star Trek series going on right now so I can jump into that world again. Personally, I don't think that a minidress is a smart choice given the situation that the crew get themselves into. It is however, the right choice given that the situations were dictated by men who liked to see a bit of skin on tv, and on movie screens. After all, Uhura was classy, she knows how to tell a guy to piss off (nicely at that) and is good at her job. I don't mind being her, and sadly I can't say that for a lot of female characters that I see on screen. Ooooh, I almost forgot McCoy. Karl Urban! Eomer! He's almost unrecognisable with that hair and without the beard. But there's always his nose. I'd recognise that nose anywhere!

5. Terminator Salvation
I've never seen any of the Terminator movies. Gasp! But it was easy enough to understand what's going on. It's got loads of explosions and Christian Bale talking like "WHwoh hsenth youh Hhereh?! HAnswer Hmyh qHuesthion!!" Seriously, I though it was the Batman mask, but after this movie, can the guy even speak properly anymore? And I don't get why Marcus has to sacrifice his life and give his heart to Connor. It's war, I'm sure there are a lot of (other) dying people out there, not to mention the suicidal ones. Can't he take their hearts? Marcus is like, half machine, he's an asset in this war. How can they let him die? Broke my heart it did.

Anyway, yeah, it's been a good season so far. So two thumbs up and yay for all coach potatoes who managed to drag themselves off the sofa and go to the cinemas! I guess yay for the film-makers too for making movies that I actually liked. More money for evil Western propaganda huh?

All Roads Lead to Vampires

I've been reading this book called "The Historian" by Elizabeth Kostova, and that in it itself is great cos it means my book drought has ended. Finally, something I can sink my teeth into that I haven't sunk my teeth in like 20 times before.

On second thoughts, that sounded gross.

Anyway, it seemed all literary and intelligent, and then I got to the part where the bureaucrat shows the fang marks on his neck. How very True Blood. And I've realised what a barrage of vampire fiction there is. (Not that I've just realised it, cos I HAVE realised it before. More like it's the first time I'm writing it all down, so y'know, I have to write an introduction to get the facts going)

There's Bram Stoker's Dracula, which I've read but it was years ago and I can't say I remember anything about it now. There's the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series, which I got from my room-mate back in uni. Very sexy. The top vampire dude is called Jean-something, not Jean-Luc cos that would be too Star Trek-ish, and I've wiki-ed it, and he's called Jean-Claude. I've also realised from the Wikipedia article that the series is on-going. More hot vampire, werewolf, wereleopard and were-whatever sex then!

And then there's Twilight, and OMG that book sucks. I know it's got massive crazy fans, but that Bella, and the writing, I just can't stand it. The narrative is soooo weepy. I finished it cos I had to see what the fuss is all about, and maybe it improved as the story developed, but it did not. Still weepy, still too juvenile for my taste, and it turned me off from reading the other three books in the series. Fine, I'm not a 16 year old girl but at least the movie was better. I can't hear Bella's thoughts, and THAT is a good thing.

About The Historian, don't get me wrong with all my bashing of vampire fiction cos of Twilight. I reckon it's a wonderful book. I've only read til page 98 and I'm looking forward to see how it all goes. I guess The Historian is more my cup of tea than Twilight. Oh the joy of not being 16 anymore. By the way, the cover below is actually not the book I have, mine's black and red. But a white cover works better here.

Finally, here are the vampire TV shows and movies that I can remember watching. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which was awesome. So after Buffy comes Angel, which too is awesome. And again, True Blood. I find the sex scene in the graveyard kinda gross. Like, he's been in the ground, naked, and you have intercourse with all that dirt? Euw.

Movies: Interview With the Vampire, Van Helsing, Underworld, Blade, Rise (it's got Lucy Liu. I remembered that cos it was one of those movies that I watched cos it's there even though I had no intention of watching it, and I remembered it. WHY?), Night Watch and Day Watch (I read the books as well. Well, Night Watch anyway, and then I watched Day Watch, and don't feel like reading the book anymore), Thirty Days of Nights, and of course, Twilight.

Wow, that's a lot of vampire. Whatever happened to me and getting involved in serious stuff?

Pride and Prejudice

I was walking through a bookshop earlier, browsing, looking at interesting books to buy. I've been going through a book drought so to speak, and my previous excursions to book stores left me empty handed, and empty minded. I feel like I should read more serious stuff, but fact is at the end of the day I'm just too tired for anything of that sort.

Anyway, I picked up this book. It's a continuation of some sort to Pride and Prejudice, not by Jane Austen obviously, cos she's been dead for almost 200 years but some contemporary author that I can't remember. I started reading it cos I was curious how it all went down after the whole happily after. And if it had the same style of writing as Austen's, which it didn't. But more so, the protaganist (Mary Bennet) was talking about Elizabeth, and how her marriage and life as Mrs Darcy hadn't been easy.

GASP! NO!

I stopped reading immediately. How could this cracked up person that came out of nowhere and knows nothing about Elizabeth and Darcy write something like that!?

Okay, that was a bit much, and I did pick up the book again. And yes, she wasn't happy. Apparently Darcy and Bingley all had mistresses, while Jane and Lizzy all turned vapid and shallow and talked like they're in 2009, but was trying to sound like they were back in the 19th century.

Anyway, my point is that I was a bit sad to see my fantasy, my happily ever after, the gorgeous Mr Darcy end up this way. Maybe he was redeemed by the end of it, I don't know. I didn't finish it or even sneaked a peek at the last page. I was too disturbed at this point. I like my fantasy to remain where it was before, Mr Darcy was a good man, which I guess makes a good husband and a good husband will naturally have a happy wife.

But now, I don't know if I will ever be the same again.

Oh stop being so dramatic.

By the way, I really like the recent Pride and Prejudice movie with Keira Knightley, and Darcy is absolutely spot on, at least in my head la. I can't stand watching the BBC version and it's all cos of Jane. She's suppose to be the good looking one, but I don't know if it's the hair or the outfit, she's just not how the book describes her. I don't like Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow, I prefer Kate Beckinsale's with Mark Strong as Mr Knightley. I like the 1995 version of Persuasion too.

I want to be with those that I can't be with

Why is it that I'm lonely, and yet I can't stand people?

It's the classic way to solve loneliness. You go out, do something, talk to people, laugh and have fun. Yet more and more, I can't stand company. I feel all sorts of negativity around me, whether it's all in my head or maybe there is some weird truth to it, but I feel that being with other people is such an intrusion. I don't want to be with those around me, and I can't seem to find those that I want to be with.

I'm never where I want to be, and when I am where I thought I wanted to be, it never lives up to my expectations. I feel like I have to get out of my head, but I can't seem to find the right company that makes me feel like I can do just that. I feel that everyone has an ulterior motive, and I can't or don't want to give in cos if I do that, then I'm just not me, I would feel sick to my stomach and it all ends badly, at least for me.

I'm at a loss as to what I'm suppose to do with myself. I don't like me very much, and I don't like other people too apparently. So, now what? Will someone, anyone ever going to like me for my own messed up self? Is it really that important to be liked and appreciated, and to be treated with respect with all the understanding that everything's going to be okay? The answer I guess, is yes. I just realised that what's wrong with me is that I used to answer it as no, cos as long as you got yourself it's all good. You don't need other people to appreciate you as long as you appreciate yourself, kinda thing.

But that's just torture. No person is an island. So when you're used to be without that appreciation and then you realise it just doesn't cut it anymore, you're just screwed. It's not going to okay, you messed up. You fucked up. There's no going back. You'll be alone, if not forever, then a really long time.

I'm going to be alone for a very long time.